Tuesday, December 27, 2005
writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you 'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
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Keep Reading
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
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Keep Reading
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7 P. M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers!
Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur andall.
Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks.
Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
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Keep Reading
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on,
sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"
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Keep Reading
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
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Keep Reading
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty "
***************
Keep Reading
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis".
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father : A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......!
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face.
No response.
Then he rubs her wrists.
Nothing.
He even tries mouth to mouth.
The gorgeous woman does not respond.
Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs.
Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on.
"Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!!"
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Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"
Stan said nothing. The brother grew impatient,
"C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother,
"You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor."
"Well congratulations, you're holding him."
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Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
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For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do:
There are three stages of sex with your wife during pregnancy.
During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask...
That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
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A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her 60 bucks, she was shocked, saying,
"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer quickly replied, "But you don't bite, do you?!?"
Sexy Lingerie
One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, ''Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.''
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ''All that money and they didn't even iron it?!''
Couldn't Get It Up
Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get two hookers for their 21st birthday. So the two grab two hookers, rent a hotel room, turn off the lights and proceed to partake in the festivities.
The first midget gets so nervous that he can't get it up. After two hours of coaxing and stroking and praying, he throws the sheets over himself and gives up. To makes things worse for the poor little fella, was that he had to listen to his brother say, ''One, two, three. Ugh! One, two, three. Ugh!'' all night long.
In the morning, the second midget greets his brother and asks him how his night went?
The first brother replies, ''Man, it was terrible. I couldn't even get my shit up.'' The second brother replies, ''You couldn't get it up? I couldn't even get on the bed."
Who can say this sentence?
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
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Solve Indian puzzles
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
Had any accidents?
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Friday, December 16, 2005
"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting," Chris said.
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow."
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When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities
- she is an economist in the kitchen,
an aristocrat in the living room
and a devil in the bedroom.
After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order
- she is an aristocrat in the kitchen,
a devil in the living room
and an economist in bed.
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A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis. He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "Big deal. That's just like my husband's penis."
"You mean he's got one that long?" asked the surprised mortician.
"No," she replied. "That dead."
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It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.
After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
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Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her,
"Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
"Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce
themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys
first. Boys start giving their introduction... First boy : " My name is
john, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub. "
Teacher was confused to listen and said "intresting - well, ok. In fact
we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is
essentially a
child in each of us. So its ok john. Yes next-" Second boy : " myself
peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"
Teacher now got surprised and said " gooodd.. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend . ok next - " Third boy : I m smith and my hobby is
to see bubble in the bath tub "
Teacher : " guys are u joking or what ? please be sincere. Ok next - "
This continues, and the last boy stands up : I m herry, and my hobby is
To see bubble in the bath tub "
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach u
ungrown boyz for long. Any way, now the girls please - " First girl : I
m july and my hobby is to see birds "
Teacher : "gooodd. At last I got something different. Ok next-" Second
I m ruby and I like to collect perfumes "
Teacher : " now its like educated grown up girls . ok next - u sweet
girl-yes u - "third Most beautiful girl of the class ."Mam my
name is Bubble, and hobby is to take bath three times a day " !!!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors;
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared and
stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The
young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,
never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting," Chris said.
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow."
============================================================
When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities
- she is an economist in the kitchen,
an aristocrat in the living room
and a devil in the bedroom.
After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order
- she is an aristocrat in the kitchen,
a devil in the living room
and an economist in bed.
============================================================
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis. He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "Big deal. That's just like my husband's penis."
"You mean he's got one that long?" asked the surprised mortician.
"No," she replied. "That dead."
Friday, December 09, 2005
FEBRUARY |
| |
APRIL | MAY | JUNE |
JULY | AUGUST | SEPTEMBER |
OCTOBER | NOVEMBER | DECEMBER |
Dear,FAIR & LOVELY (Ek Tukda Chand Ka),
You are my TVS SCOOTY (First Love) and my AIWA (Pure Passion). I am always BPL (Believe in the Best) and you are SANSUI (Better Than The Best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (DeliveringMillion Smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously Fresh) feeling for me. As you know I am REYMOND (The Complete Man) for you, I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (Born Tough)but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and my ambitionlike BRISTOL (I get, what I want) rest of our family members are prettyKELVINATORS (The Coolest Ones). If they will say no, we will run awayand marry and PHILIPS (Let's Make Things Better). In our marriage SAMSUNG(Everyone's Invited). >Our parents will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhirese lage) but I believe in COCA COLA (jo chahe ho jaye).Trust in theGod who's always NOKIA (Connecting People) who love each other. Andwe are WILLS (Made For >Each Other). Now that HYUNDAI (We are Listening) thesong of love, you >must know that love is DAIRY MILK (Real Taste ofLife), SATYAM ONLINE (Fun Fast Easy) and PARX (Always Comfortable) So never forget me. Ok bye I wrote little but PEPSI (ye dil maange more).
LG (Digitally yours),
====================================================================
What am I?
THIS USEFUL TOOL, IS COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 7 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND A SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
W H A T A M I ? ? ? ?
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN...
TOOTHBRUSH
====================================================================
Mongolian VD
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way - No need to operate!"
"Oh thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself.
