Saturday, December 17, 2005
A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning woman sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face.
No response.
Then he rubs her wrists.
Nothing.
He even tries mouth to mouth.
The gorgeous woman does not respond.
Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs.
Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on.
"Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!!"
============================================================
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"
Stan said nothing. The brother grew impatient,
"C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother,
"You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor."
"Well congratulations, you're holding him."
============================================================
Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
============================================================
For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do:
There are three stages of sex with your wife during pregnancy.
During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask...
That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
============================================================
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her 60 bucks, she was shocked, saying,
"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer quickly replied, "But you don't bite, do you?!?"
Sexy Lingerie
One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, ''Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.''
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ''All that money and they didn't even iron it?!''
Couldn't Get It Up
Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get two hookers for their 21st birthday. So the two grab two hookers, rent a hotel room, turn off the lights and proceed to partake in the festivities.
The first midget gets so nervous that he can't get it up. After two hours of coaxing and stroking and praying, he throws the sheets over himself and gives up. To makes things worse for the poor little fella, was that he had to listen to his brother say, ''One, two, three. Ugh! One, two, three. Ugh!'' all night long.
In the morning, the second midget greets his brother and asks him how his night went?
The first brother replies, ''Man, it was terrible. I couldn't even get my shit up.'' The second brother replies, ''You couldn't get it up? I couldn't even get on the bed."
Who can say this sentence?
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
============================================================
Solve Indian puzzles
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
Had any accidents?
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face.
No response.
Then he rubs her wrists.
Nothing.
He even tries mouth to mouth.
The gorgeous woman does not respond.
Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs.
Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on.
"Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!!"
============================================================
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"
Stan said nothing. The brother grew impatient,
"C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother,
"You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor."
"Well congratulations, you're holding him."
============================================================
Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
============================================================
For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do:
There are three stages of sex with your wife during pregnancy.
During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask...
That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
============================================================
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her 60 bucks, she was shocked, saying,
"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer quickly replied, "But you don't bite, do you?!?"
Sexy Lingerie
One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, ''Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.''
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ''All that money and they didn't even iron it?!''
Couldn't Get It Up
Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get two hookers for their 21st birthday. So the two grab two hookers, rent a hotel room, turn off the lights and proceed to partake in the festivities.
The first midget gets so nervous that he can't get it up. After two hours of coaxing and stroking and praying, he throws the sheets over himself and gives up. To makes things worse for the poor little fella, was that he had to listen to his brother say, ''One, two, three. Ugh! One, two, three. Ugh!'' all night long.
In the morning, the second midget greets his brother and asks him how his night went?
The first brother replies, ''Man, it was terrible. I couldn't even get my shit up.'' The second brother replies, ''You couldn't get it up? I couldn't even get on the bed."
Who can say this sentence?
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
============================================================
Solve Indian puzzles
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
Had any accidents?
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
